It’s hard to explain. Your heart hurts, your mind hurts, your body hurts. It’s not fair. A week before Christmas Day I miscarried our fourth baby.
Baby number four was due July 17, 2021. I was so excited to have a Summer baby. Being outside riding bikes with Mallorie, Tucker, Kenzie and Travis and I walking our newest baby in the stroller. I literally have no words to explain how it actually feels, and that’s what I kept telling Travis, I cannot explain it and he kept telling me I don’t have to but also tells me to let it out. He encourages me. He told me to move when I didn’t feel like it, open the curtains because he knows I’m better that way. He isn’t telling me to do intense workouts, just move and feel how you feel. Be around others and it truly does help. I had deep anxious moments where most of life didn’t make sense for the past three weeks. I went through so many emotions I wasn’t sure some days I was even going to make it through a day because my heart hurt so bad.
I can’t explain how much pain you can feel in one moment but I’m sure many of you can relate. But on 7w4d I saw our baby’s heartbeat and on 9w6d I saw that baby but with no longer a heartbeat.
I have my three healthy little ones and I can’t even explain how much they helped me through. We have grieved but we all have each other.
We did get to find out that our sweet angel baby was a boy. We now have an angel baby boy and brother to watch over us all. My heart has began to heal. My mind has began to heal has well. I will never forget carrying him for as long as I was blessed to. My body is finally feeling ready to be me again and this week has been my best one yet. Miscarriages are real and raw. I now know firsthand how hard this process is. To anyone experiencing anything related, just know you’re not alone. Reach out, talk, because it sure has helped me heal and it continues to. Lean on others as much as you need because it helps so so much.
And to be honest and open, one day I tried to just stay in bed and go up and down the stairs to feed and hang with the kiddos in bed and then I just broke. That was my breaking point. Travis came home from work early and I just slept because I was so mentally and physically exhausted and that day I moved a bit forward. I’ve been working on blog posts over and over and this one is the one that stuck. The others may come in time. The day after it all happened, Travis and I were lucky enough to just escape together with my sisters help. I just needed to be with him and vice versa, we just needed each other.
After this all happened, I basically was only able to eat when I felt like it and whatever just sounded good, I ate and for the most part, really had no appetite. As I have started to heal, I’ve been able to implement some of my normal daily eating habits back in and like I said, this week has been my best one yet, my workouts are feeling great, I’m smiling again, I feel like me again. And yes, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of that little angel baby but knowing he’s in a better place makes it all more worth it to keep on keeping on, moving forward instead of backwards.
Now let’s flip the switch and look forward to 2021. My Goals? This year I want to try to downhill ski again, even though it has been since high school, cross country ski again since college, and just do things that make me and my family happy. I’m journaling my thoughts daily and that has helped my mind. I’m doing my best to be the best for myself and my family. I’m training more and I truly love it! Helping others is so beneficial not only to them but me.
My biggest advice in dark and sad times is do your best to try and move. Just walk around your house and do things, that started to help me every morning when I didn’t just lay in bed and think. I’ve never felt more weak in my workouts but I did smaller weights and did what I felt comfortable. Leading a healthy lifestyle really helps with that mental headspace.
Cheers to 2021! Let’s make the best of it! As always if you need any guidance or support, message me.
Thanks for following along!